There was a time when I was great.
I made America great again.
Millions hung on my every Tweet.
Yet some of my own generals ,
disgruntled, monetized their time.
Can you imagine their sly greed?
Putting themselves ahead of me ?
Ka-ching! Their cruel books full of lies.
I’ll quote you Ecclesiastes :
“Of making many books there is no end,
and much study wearies the body.”
And you thought I wasn’t religious.
But in Two Corinthians, right?
it’s the whole ballgame. Ask Mike Pence.
“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, ?
the Spirit, there is liberty.”
Not many people know this line.
My favorite verse, my guidepost,
my favorite Biblical verse
“An eye for an eye.”
That’s not a particularly nice thing.
I’d quote more for you but my faith
too personal to share specifics.
It’s a part of me that’s hush-hush.
And you think I do not read, right?
Highlights from my weak allies–
Spicer’s The Briefing–
“Trump is a unicorn
riding a unicorn
over a rainbow…”
He cracked over his work load. Weak.
“It was tough confronting the press.
We can’t settle for just keeping up
with the lowest common dominator.”
Then there was my FBI man,
Mr. High and Mighty, Comey.
His politically correct book A Higher Loyalty,
He was supposed to be loyal to ME.
Not classy. Quoting religion to me
of all people.
“There was once a time
when people worried about going to hell
if they violated an oath
taken in the name of God.
People must fear going to jail.”
I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid because I’m smart
Have you ever seen me squirm?
Andrew McCabe didn’t realize
who the President is.
He quotes me in his cry-baby book The Threat:
“‘I hereby demand’ a DOJ investigation
of the investigators
who are investigating me.”
So he goes home
his daughter asks,
“Did you get fired today, Dad?”
“Not today, honey,
but tomorrow’s a new day!””
My arrow flew through
Twitter to announce his firing.
I’ve known Chris Christie
for 17 years. He never knew
how I was stringing him along
about his job organizing my transition.
He wanted to be VP.
Maybe he guessed how I felt–
I tossed his 30 binders of work
into the White House dumpster.
You know he sent Jarred’s dad to prison.
Always trying to get in the last word,
like in his book Let Me Finish.
All that planning.
Speaking of firings on Twitter–
Rex Tillerson, Secretary of State,
called me a “moron.”
Him and the Joint Chiefs of Staff
seemed taken aback
by my request to multiply
our nukes tenfold.
Me, a moron?
Rex is as dumb as a rock.
Do I seem unstable?
I’m a very stable genius.
Omarosa’s cheap shots in Unhinged.
Not tough enough—she played me wrong–
“If you’re not on the table,
you’re on the menu.”
Her Special pleading:
“I am somebody. I may be poor
(Not true! she’s not any more!)
but I am somebody,
I may be on welfare
but I am somebody.
I must be because I am God’s child.
I must be respected
“Praising Trump is the only way
to get his attention and approval.”
Didn’t understand how I operated.
Chaos as a way of weeding out the weak.
“The White House has a problem with the truth.
But at least they are consistent–
and only too predictable–
with the lies they tell.”
I can still hear her packing up her stuff
and walking out in her high heels.
Speaking of ass
here’s what Bolton,
my National Security Adviser,
had me saying in his trashy book The Room Where It Happened.
“I want real loyalty
I want him to kiss my ass
in Macy’s window
at high noon
and tell me it smells like roses.”
Who puts that in a book?
Totally made up charges.
“Tough-guy” Bolton again,
“I am not part of whatever drug deal
Sondland and Mulvaney are cooking up.”
He got it wrong.
Everyone had to come to me.
“Trump’s deathless belief
that everyone wanted to deal with him,
that everyone was ‘dying for a deal.’”
Bolton thinks I don’t know Latin.
He called my White House
Bellum omnium contra omnium.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Wharton grad, you know.
My favorite Latin is on the money:
E pluribus unum.
“The one rules the many.”
He betrayed me!
Like Barr in Betrayal.
My Attorney General went through the motions
investigating the certain election fraud
that left me where I am,
playing golf at Mar-a-Lago.
He found nothing.
He leveled with me:
“We realized from the beginning
it was just bullshit.”
So I yelled at Barr:
You must hate me.
You must hate me.’
‘How the fuck
could you do this to me?
Barr pulled out his resignation letter
“Because it’s true.”
I can still hear Barr’s parachute opening.
I’m done talking
about what those losers
were saying about me.
What do YOU think of me?
The reason millions love me
is because I’m smart
I’m smart and I’m rich.
It’s a winning combination.
I’m protecting you
I’m protecting America
from terrible Mexicans
criminals, drug dealers, rapists.
“I’m going to build a wall
and Mexico is going to pay for it.”
It’s there and would be finished
if not for the fake election
WHICH I WON!
in August I’ll be reinstated
and right back to work
on my beautiful wall.
We have a problem with illegals.
“Only I can fix it.”
Do you know why I can fix it?
“My IQ is one of the highest
and you all know it.
Please don’t feel so stupid
it’s not your fault.”
Those deep state people
some are even Republicans,
RINOS like the Secretary of State in Georgia.
He could not even find 11,000 votes for me!
His President! From his party!
Those people from the Swamp
say I’m overreaching.
Taking on too much power.
They even use a fancy word for my terrific gift.
Young men and the rich
have that gift
because they think they are better than other people.
And we are!
We have the energy!
We have the ambition!
I have to make the tough decisions.
But some want to take me down
like that poor bastard in Haiti.
Maybe the gods won’t throw down lightning.
Instead, President Trump may turn around
the greatest meltdown in Twitter history.
Yes, you notice I like to speak of myself in the third person.
The Capitol has a Roman dome.
The Supreme Court is a Roman temple.
I am the noblest Roman of them all.